I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
