the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
