glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
