so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Randomize
