I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
