you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Randomize
