the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
"The real world" DC house is on the corner of 20th and S. Wanna come with to check it out? It's my goal to be a blurred out face in their hot tub.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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