I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Randomize
