So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
