how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Randomize
