Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I believe in your delicious
She made me pour olive oil on her.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
