hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Randomize
