My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize
