After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Randomize
