I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
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