Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize