I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
