Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
No I am not eating basil off your cock
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
