I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Just high enough for therapy.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
