TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
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