only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
So much rum. So many feels.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Randomize