Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
