i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Randomize