Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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