You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize