so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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