Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
Randomize
