tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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