So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
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