areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize
