So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Randomize
