Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Randomize