remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
