we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I love you. Go after that dick
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
