you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
