if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
