I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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