sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
my shit smells like andre
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Randomize
