Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
