Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Randomize
