Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
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