anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
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