The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
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