Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
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