I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
hapi new year, hope this year brings u happiness and lots of sexi people ;)
stop writing like that.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
