I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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