I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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