I just pynch a tree in the face
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
