...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Randomize
