I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
