Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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