Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
you win again, gameday.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
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