Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
foreskin is a definite game changer
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Randomize
