i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Randomize
