Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
I just cut my nipple shaving
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
