Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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