so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Randomize
