I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
I just gargled with NyQuil
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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