New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Randomize
