Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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